Desi Girl’s Guide to Living Single and Loving it.

The Single Desi and Depression…

As a human being roaming this earth, I have experienced many challenges.  As a teenager I battled severe depression.  That can happen when your coping skills aren’t developed and you are young and trying to figure out your own identity.  When things don’t go your way, you immediately feel sad, when things consistently don’t go your way, you become depressed and start feeling alone.

I am not depressed anymore and if I am sad, it is only temporarily.  However, I know the feeling of helplessness that arises when you are yearning for love and affection and all you get is ignorance.  In your teenage years, depression is normal, I mean it is a growing pain; however in your 20’s and 30’s depression can result when you take it upon yourself to find a partner and people are looking for something for themselves.

A clash of egos results and a tendency to defend yourself and the world that you come from becomes apparent.  The situation is the same for everybody.  However, how you cope with the situation can vary.  I know I am starting to sound like a self-help book, however I know how difficult it is to fantasize about love and sexual relationships and constantly meet people who you wouldn’t bed in your worst nightmares.

I do believe that trying for matrimonial bliss is a vital part of growing up.  I mean, who doesn’t want a family? However, when you find yourself 35 and single, desperation and pity may begin to set in.   At 35, you could be stuck in the middle of a rock and a hard place.  You still haven’t found the one, however you know that the avenues you tried in your 20’s and 30’s are a waste of time and you can’t bear the thought of putting yourself through that again.

On the other hand, you don’t want to be alone forever and let’s face it, you aren’t meeting anyone at work either.   I never wanted to be single at the age of 33; However, I learned at a very young age, that my destiny should not be allowed to destroy my happiness.  Marriage has become such an obsession with the young desi community and Indian-American families, that it is leading many single women to feeling depressed.  I am here to tell you, that life has alternatives and living for yourself can give you another form of happiness.

I am single and loving it!
Preity Zinta and Sushmita Sen are a few names that come to mind.  They are single in their 30’s, and are having the time of their lives.   Granted they have an unlimited supply of money and boy toys to keep their days and nights occupied, the lesson that should be learned is HAVE FUN.  Grab your friends, relatives and family and be grateful that you have them.  What would life be like without them? Enjoy the finer things in life, dinner at a nice restaurant,  trip to the mall, going to the movies, seeing a Broadway show, good conversations, wine tasting, bar hopping…

Desi Guide: Read a Self-Help Book

The reasons why self-help books are written are to help other people with similar situations.  They can be very inspirational.  Some of my favorite books are the Joel Osteen books.  However, you should read books that you can relate to.  You aren’t a victim of your circumstances nor should you pity yourself.  Life is too short for unhappiness.  Do you really want to turn 40 and look back at your 20’s and 30’s as depressing and ungratifying years?  I know that I don’t.  Trust me when I say this, depression doesn’t make anything right, it just zaps your energy from your God-given life and right to live.

Spiritual Awakenings

When I turned 30, I was at a crossroad in life.  I was on the right track professionally; however I didn’t know where to go personally.  Throughout my teenage years, I never really believed in God.  In my 20’s, I believed that there was a higher power, however there was no point in praying because everything is destined to happen anyway and God can’t change it.

However, when I turned 30, I was looking for some kind of connect somewhere.  I am a Hindu by birth.  I don’t ever plan on changing that, however the closest Hindu Temple to my house is an hour away.  I decided to go to church and see what kind of spiritual awakenings could develop.  Through my weekly bible study sessions, I learned that it was important to emphasize the fact that God loves you and God has a plan for you.  I never had God in mind through my growing years.  But I do think of him now more than ever.

Single – But Not Alone

You aren’t the only one who is single.  Millions of girls and guys around the globe are single as well.  Life is moving on for them.  Why shouldn’t life move on for you??  You shouldn’t punish yourself for your circumstances.  Think of the alternative, what if you have found a guy that brings you down.  That is happening more often as well.  You should be thrilled that no one is hurting you or keeping you from achieving your dreams.  Part of the reason why so many of us are single is because we want the best for ourselves: soulmate connection.   Be happy with your choices and stand up for yourselves.

Plan an awesome vacation with your friends and family

\Oooh…my favorite!  I love vacations.  My favorite spots are Hawaii, Costa Rica, South Beach, the beaches in LA….I love the beach and I am always down with some fun in the sun.  We all deserve to have some fun in life.  I mean the daily work week is stressful enough, why add more stress by not pampering yourself.  Remember to take care of yourself.  Health problems can result by not taking time to focus on yourself.  Go where you feel confident and sexy.

Single? Enjoy your freedom

In the words of Lady Gaga “I am a free bitch, baby.”  You are free and you can do WHATEVER YOU WANT in life.  Take advantage of it.  Sitting at home, scanning the ads and matrimonial sites for a partner, complaining to whoever will listen that you aren’t finding a boy is a disastrous way to spend life.  You will find someone when the right chemistry develops.  That is what you and everyone else is looking for.  Go for a long walk, see a movie by yourself, surf the internet on things that YOU find interesting.  Take fun classes at night.  You count.  Explore your life and your capabilities.  Remember, you love yourself and no one is going to bring you down.

Eat healthy, Keep Fit & Take your Vitamins

I can’t stress enough the importance of exercising and staying fit.  Your body parts and organs need you to keep working them.  You have to make time for your body.  Your body is your temple and you live in it.  Worship it.  Feeling strong is vital to your happiness.  You don’t want to be bedridden at ANY stage of your life.  Diseases start to develop and toxicity starts to come about when you are dormant for too long.  Always remember to eat health.  Remember to eat your fruits and vegetables.  Blueberries, strawberries, watermelon, cantaloupe are all good to consume on a daily basis.  They help clear out your system.  Indian food is a very healthy food to eat.  It is made with vegetables and love.  Always remember to take your vitamins.  Our bodies can always use that extra little something.

Unleash that Inner Celebrity in You

If you look good, you feel good.  Always remember that you are a princess and you deserve the best.  End of story.   For example, suppose you are at the mall and you see this sexy black dress that you know that you will look great it.  It is way more than your budget.  However, you do make a lot of money and you know that it is your god given right to look and feel good.  For God’s sake….go get that dress…..Since becoming a school psychologist, I am not going to lie, I have done some extravagant shopping. I have bought everything from Tom Ford Whitney Sunglasses to Nicole Ritchie’s House of Harlow jewelry line.   I don’t have a boy to show off to, nor am I busy dating men every weekend.  However, I know that I matter and I deserve to look great.

Don’t let bad karma with men destroy your happiness

As women, we are biologically trained to believe that men complete us.  We love men.  We fall in love and want to help.  We also yearn for love and affection.  Unfortunately, life is evolving and people are changing.  Some woman find men that are abusive, some woman find men that don’t want to be bothered and other woman find men that use them.

Growing up, I have done my share of grieving about men and I realized that the only person I can depend on is myself.  Those were the lessons I had to learn regarding MY life.  I realize that everyone is different and can expect different results from the Universe.  However those were my lessons.  It is now that I can sit back with pride and thank my parents for instilling the value of supporting myself and taking care of my own needs.

I did everything on my own, but if I didn’t have the kinds of parents that I had, I probably wouldn’t have worked so hard or accomplished so much.  I was the type of child that used to wait by the door for our guests to arrive.  I was so needy.  The warmth from other people determined how happy I was going to feel.  Today in my 30’s, I value all that I have achieved for myself and consider myself truly blessed that I was able to accomplish so much on my own.  My happiness does not depend on the love and acceptance of someone else.  I love and accept myself.
If anyone else  has any other suggestions on the desi girl’s guide to living single and loving it, feel free to leave a comment.  I would love to hear from you.
In the famous words of Marilyn Monroe,  “Everyone’s a Star and Deserves the Right to Twinkle”
XOXO
Monica

(C) Monica Marwah

( Monica Marwah is a 30-something school psychologist  in Philadelphia.  After wandering the singles scene for years, she learned invaluable lessons on life, dating and relationships.  Now comfortably living life in her 30’s, she is sharing her own experiences on what it is like to break away from the traditional desi trend and live a life of your own. )

Graphics (C) Dipanjan Bose

Related Articles:

The Failproof Desi Guide to Relationships