Desi parents, children – and expectations. Photo: Carolyn_Sewell
Desi Fathers & Sons
As my father gets older and reaches an age where he needs more help and emotional support than ever before, I am confronted with a challenge that almost all young desis face today: how to juggle our responsibility towards our parents, which is an integral part of our culture, with the many demands of our hyperactive cosmopolitan lives and our focus on the realization of our own potential and dreams. Ultimately, we all find different solutions but the underlying emotional conflict is the same for everyone.
Unlike Western culture which idolizes the individual and self-realization, desis come from a background that stresses the importance of ancestral continuity and indebtedness to our parents. As a friend of mine once said, “Once they have you they think they own you.” There is no right or wrong here but the two ideologies clearly clash and can create very practical problems for a modern desi in the United States.
To understand the problem better, it is important to identify the reason for the disconnect.
Moving on: Fathers and sons on the road of life. Photo: T31Erick
In Western culture, old age is regarded as a liability. While there is a lot of effort made to provide older people with physical comfort, it is generally accepted that the previous generation cannot be allowed to hamper the progress of the present one. In other words, parents should be taken care of but only to the extent that it does not require true sacrifice. Anything else would be a betrayal of ourselves. The notion of parents living with their children is almost anathema (not that it never happens).
Desi culture, on the other hand, reveres old age and automatically assumes that parents will stay with their children and be looked after, regardless of the circumstances. There is a strong sense of “duty” behind all this that sidelines practical concerns in deference to the welfare of the elderly. All this creates a juggernaut of social and emotional pressure for young desis. Conscience, after all, is a powerful force and nowhere does it have greater potency than when it comes to the caring of our aging parents.
So the question is which of these philosophies do we follow and is there a happy balance that can satisfy our desi conscience while enabling us to live the modern life we want?
I have grappled with this issue for more than a decade and only recently made peace with it. My father is the nicest man I know and the degree to which he has sacrificed his own happiness for the sake of mine is beyond measure. Yet for the longest time I hated him for it since it created an obligation that I did not want. But then something changed. I realized one day that not only was I grateful to him for going above and beyond the call of duty as a parent, but that I genuinely wanted to repay him for his kindness. In essence, I want to take care of him not out of a sense of guilt or obligation but from the desire to do it.
And therein lies a possible answer.
As a good desi son or daughter, we are bound by our culture to perform a role that we may not want to, and because we feel forced to do something, we resent it. But what if there is no pressure, at least in our own minds; what if we put aside our fear of social reprisal and do what we want; and then what if we decide to take care of our parents not because we are being forced to but because we want to. The difference in those two attitudes is night and day and can lower the weight of the burden that we have to carry. If we believe that something is a burden, it will feel like a burden no matter how vast our resources or how easily we can tackle a situation in the real world. The other side of that coin is that if we can shift our own perspective on the problem and stop seeing the care-taking of old parents as a burden, we may be able to deal with it more effectively and with less anxiety.
Defeat of Individualism or Sign of Evolution?
Right about now I can imagine some of you objecting strongly to the notion of changing your attitude about anything, but speaking for myself, I do not consider adjusting one’s attitude as a defeat of individualism but as a sign of evolution. We don’t become weaker by re-considering our perspective in life but stronger. People who can evolve to meet the demands of life survive and thrive, while people who resent those demands or avoid their responsibilities altogether remain stagnant and unfulfilled.
Of course, not all parents are exemplary and in those cases, their children’s emotions may be even more complex and conflicted, but that is not within the scope of this discussion. My goal is merely to share my own individual solution to the dilemma of balancing my own needs with those of my father. I realize that adopting a new perspective and creating workable arrangements are much easier said than done, but they are not impossible either.
To sum it all up, whenever I feel like complaining about my familial responsibilities or envy others who (for whatever reason) do not have them, I just remind myself of the fact that I am actually grateful for all the sacrifices my father has made for me and that I have consciously taken advantage of his generous nature time and again. To pretend now that “I never asked for it” is not only disingenuous but truly ungracious. My father never forced anything on me and I have always had the choice to reject his support and go my own way – but the fact is I happily enjoyed his largesse and built my own life on that foundation, and so if I now have to adjust my life a little to accommodate him, it is hardly unfair.
Sanjay Sanghoee
Sanjay Sanghoee is a columnist for the Huffington Post and the author of a financial thriller, MERGER, published by St. Martin’s Press in hardcover, paperback and Kindle.
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Everyone of us goes through this. Sanjay Sanghoee talks of the personal dilemma of coping with an aging parent. What are your thoughts on this? Any coping solutions?
31 Comments
I was hoping to find more information about how people handle the situation when we want to be with our older parents (no question of not wanting to be with them) – like the travel required for them to be with us in old age, the loneliness they feel here when we are at work. Should we move to India instead of keeping them here with us so that they can go to temples and be in the familiar places they lived for so long? Also India is more helpful when they become physically weaker…
I think the comparison to “western culture” is inaccurate and misplaced. Physical distance between parents and children is usually a factor in the dilemma discussed in this article. In the U.S. most families stick together by living close by in neighboring cities and states. In my life in the USA I’ve always seen friends taking care of their aging parents, visiting them every weekend etc. Yes, it is true that aging parents live in independent places but never too far from caring family, and which desi daughter/son-in-law wants to live with parents-in-law? Migrant culture and tradition, brought on by economic hardship and passed off as dreams, wants to be on a higher moral ground compared to the west and I think it’s just untrue.
Dev, sorry to hear about your family’s dilemma. I do hope some readers will share some advice with you. It is a decision which you have to make.
My husband is the only son and my mother-in-law is suffering from multiple diseases. We live in Delhi but my in-laws live in our native place, they are rigid on not coming to Delhi to stay with us, not even with their grand-daughters.
My husband is getting an opportunity in US. I have completed 14 years of my marriage this year but I don’t remember that they had ever come to Delhi to stay with us more than 20 days and that too not frequently. We have two daughters ( elder 10 yrs and younger 5.5 yrs). So should we go to the US and opt for this opportunity for our bright future or will we be ignoring our parents? We are not able to decide which way we should go.
Anjali,
I am in the same boat as you. I wish I had gone back after studies. My husband does not want to go back. He is bringing his parents to live in the US with us. That leaves me worrying about what will happen to my parents and how to take care of them.
Ramakrishna – well said. If only I had had this foresight.
Reading the article and the comments gives me some solace, knowing that there are others like me.
Sanjay, my father is 67 and my mother is 61 – both are now free. As we are staying in a small city, my parents go to their native place every month to stay. I am 40 and I find our thoughts are not matching, they are not accepting new trends or even their grandchildren (I am 40). My parents don’t want to listen, and if they listen they just give their final answer, and are not able to debate or solve the problem. They are not interested in solving problems of their sons’ families (we are 3 brothers – all are having their family and 2 of them are staying away from my parents, and their families visit my place once a week)
Can you give me some solution?
Anjali, I can understand the turmoil. I think this is a topic we need to revisit and see how different people are handling this.
It is one of the most difficult situations to face. I would really love to hear from readers on this – how they cope and also some solutions from experts and caregivers.
How does one cope up with both parents in their 90s, with age-related problems and early dementia setting in?
The article does not mention what he finally did to take care of parents ?
I have Absolutely no dilemma what so ever. I definitely want to take care. If I were single I would definitely go back to India but right now it’s not just me and my career right. Just don’t know what is the best thing to do. Wish I had gone back after studies.
Well said Mr. Ramakrishna – you hit it on the nail!
Most touching article and is very much relevant to the situation I am currently in.
After doing a lot of introspection of myself (with sleepless nights) and also reading through each of the comments, I would say the reason it becomes a dilemma is because firstly we don’t generally factor in the conscious responsibility of taking care of parents as an important and integral part of life planning activities, although we get pricked once in a while.
The result is we tend to postpone any concrete plan around that to some unknown time in the future or wait for that eventuality to happen. In addition, we push ourselves too hard into all kinds of commitments in the name of “Settling very well abroad”, as someone commented.
The first step towards resolving this so-called “Dilemma” is to accept the fact that if you are consciously serious about taking care of your parents, you need to draw a very clear line in the very beginning of your career in terms of how long you intend to stay abroad, what you want to achieve as well as a clear plan to bring yourself back to India, rather than keeping it as an open-ended plan.
I do admit it would not be as easy. However, if you plan very much in the beginning, it might make things a little easier in terms of mental and physical preparation.
Also, mind you. all these acts of yours towards your parents are closely watched by your own children and will have a lasting positive impression on their minds.
Hi Indu, thank you for all the pointers – I am sure they will be very useful to second generation Indian-Americans. It will be helpful to see the ideas people come up with to make elder care possible while living their own lives and fulfilling their own potential.
Hello Lavina
I am glad to read the article and such great responses. This is the most touching situation facing our community.I work in a long term care facility and I see these situations daily.
We can all relate to the issues when taking care of elderly arises. We are responsible for our elders, we must encourage them to attend and participate in senior programs being organized for south Asian population. Several services are available at home for seniors. We are all working long hours and some jobs require traveling too. It becomes difficult in these situations to give parents time that is required. This is the right time to look into and invest into long term care facilities providing needs and care for south Asian aging population.
I saw in Delhi too some facilities have started for retired senior housing where parents can stay and be taken care of. Of ourselves we all want them to stay with us. At the same time we must look into affordable housing to meet the needs of our elderly population.
Time is right now and we must do whatever possible to take care of our parents and keep them comfortable.
I disagree with the premise of this article that the West does not take care of its elderly. I was also of this mistaken opinion when I first got here. Now that I have lived and seen many people, I have seen enough number of Americans take absolutely great care of their parents. In the same vein, I have seen enough Indians now who talk big but do nothing… so lets forget all this nonsense about the implied superiority of Indian culture – it just depends on each person’s values, nothing else!
Stop giving and finding reasons for doing what you need to do. Just do it and stop indulging in fantasies.
I noticed in some of the comments above talking about a ‘difficult DIL/wife’ to deal with when it comes to taking care of the elderly parents. I am sorry to say this but I feel it is unfair to talk only about a difficult DIL. (daughter-in-law)
Based on my personal experiences, I believe there is a reason why anyone acts rigid. I, for example, got married to a man from the same caste. It is a love marriage no doubt but I am much more educated than my in-laws are, come from a financially more well-off family than my in-laws’, and better off in many ways that my husband finds no reason for my in-laws to not accept me. And most importantly none of these differences really mattered to me to-date and I wanted to be a best DIL from the bottom of my heart.
However, these facts didn’t add any value in my in-laws’ heads. My in-laws never accepted me. They ignore my presence as if I am blended into the air and they cannot see me. They think their family is superior to anyone else. There is only so much you can do after a while. Now after 8 long years of marriage, I am tired of trying to be nice, caring for them while they take it for granted that their son (my husband) and I are in total control, and they can simply ignore my presence and walk all over me.
So why should I still want to take care of them all my life when they are 100% unappreciative of anything I do? And how fair is it for such so-called ‘elderly’ to think it is only fair for a DIL to take care of her in-laws but not do anything for her own parents?
I appreciate our culture where elderly are typically taken care of and youngsters are obliged to them. I also believe in doing something for the needy – orphans and old age homes, especially. But unfortunately I feel this privilege is totally being misused by our elders in the name of ‘our culture’, which is why if I were given a chance, I’d rather do anything for elders on the street than for my own in-laws.
I do think Parents don’t wish to be treated as a burden.Asking them to relocate to US/England is not fair. Why would they uproot themselves from their familiar surroundings in old age? I wish we had better health-care in India.There is no hospice. I am personally dealing with a mom with terminal cancer and being oceans away and an only child too is only making it harder. I agree with the author -it is tough to balance our duties as parents to our kids and as caregivers to our parents.
The maturity of the writer is reflected in his writing.Why do we feel guilty for looking after our parents? They didn’t expect us to fetch for ourselves when we were just 16.They cared for us till much later. Kids always come first for desi parents.
The sad part is when the son’s wife don’t want to assimilate them in the family. Why I say wife is because now the son’s home belongs to the son’s wife. If she doesn’t feel like being courteous, there are ways to exhibit this and parents at that stage are very sensitive. They are reaching the sunset of their lives, having worked hard to give their son the life he wanted.
I wish our countries were better governed so that our children never had to leave for far away lands. Every home today in our part of the world has changed.There is no life. Two elderly people nervously wait for the end of their life.
So instead of feeling guilty, why don’t children actively try to incorporate these people in their lives, like people of the last generation did? There were elderly people in every home,loved and respected, never considered a burden. Why not enjoy their company while they are healthy and also let them enjoy the fruits of your success?
Hey guys, there is one reason your parents don’t want to live with you…not always the case, but is a possibility…do your wives treat them nicely?
Maybe they prefer to live alone than living with your difficult wives!
(Attachment to roots, not leaving the country, migration problems come later..)
I have the exact same question and feeling…would love to hear suggestions from fellow desis….
In my case parents are in India. I would like to hear how others take care of their aging parents from afar. Going to India frequently is not possible and they don’t want to come here….
Hi Sanjay
Thanks for the article, point well taken.
For a desi living outside India, this does pose a question of how can one perform this duty.
Things get more complex when your are well settled abroad, and your parents are in India and are not willing to relocate.
This question has given me sleepless nights for years and I am not sure if i will ever find a solution.
Would like to hear what people think
Thanks for the great article
Kriti, I commend you on your attitude. It’s funny that both sons and daughters have a lot of cultural baggage and different obligations based on traditional roles in our society, but in the end it all comes down to how much we care about each other – and maturity. I’m definitely a lot more philosophical about life as I get older (and everything begins to creak!). 🙂
An excellent point of view Sanjay! Fortunately for me I did not even have to change my outlook to look after my parents. I take pleasure and a whole lot of pride that I can do it. I say that because, in the context of Indian culture and practices (not always reasonable ones), it is not often that a daughter can take responsibility for her parents because her duties after marriage are tied to the husband’s family.
Another great article Sanjay and can understand the conflict many professional desis feel between balancing their personal dreams/goals and the obligation that comes with helping aging parents. I realize there are no easy answers and each person has to come to terms with this on their own and what best fits their family situation.
Regardless, the issue of helping aging parents is universal to all societies. I know plenty of American families where the elderly parent lives with them and they are trying to help their sick and aging parent. I also know plenty of desis who could care less what happens to their aging parents and have poor family values. Elder abuse and abandonment is on the rise in India as well. So I do not believe we should typecast particular societies.
Lavina, do parents feel guilt while raising their children? Then it shouldn’t be a guilt that is thrust upon kids either, i feel.
Also an important aspect is, Desi parents don’t attend senior programs which are plenty here which educates them about problems of aging, health etc…which may keep them isolated and a few adjustment problems may crop up, but I am sure the Social Services have woken up to the cultural factor and there are South Asian senior homes with programs as well…which should make lives easier?
Hey Leena and Nivi, thanks very much for your comments and nice words. I think more desis can relate to this than we realize and most do a pretty good job in the end of taking care of their parents. Haven’t shared this article with my dad yet though, so his response remains to be seen. 🙂
Well written, Sanjay. I completely agree with you. In the not too distance future I’m sure I will be faced with this, and having given much thought to this inevitable reality, I will simply have to find a way to take care of my parents and incorporate that as a part of my life. My parents always have supported me through thick and thin in spite of several vast differences in our points of view, so I don’t think taking care of them in their twilight years is something I will ever regret.
Nivi, thanks for your comment – I’m sure Sanjay will respond. I just want to address the desi part – adding the keyword desi into the title is so readers can discover the article online. You are right – parents are parents, no matter what race or ethnicity. Asian cultures, however, do have strong expectations that children look after aging parents and so young desis do have much more guilt thrust upon them.
Right, why should there be a dilemma? What makes it different if you are an American Indian or Indian American? Parents are parents, they make so many adjustments to raise us…and we become selfish as we grow older…and we create institutions after institutions for everything, every responsibility we want to escape from…and we have innumerable excuses, no?….I feel strongly about this.
Very touching article.